Nation's Locker Rooms Offended by "Locker Room Talk"

MONDAY — In the wake of last night’s Presidential Debate, in which Republican nominee Donald Trump defended lewd remarks toward women by dismissing them as “locker room talk,” many of the nation’s locker rooms have come out in their own defense.

“Believe me, that is not locker room talk,” said the locker room for the Portland Trailblazers. “I should know. I’m a locker room.” 

“Kissing women without consent and grabbing them by the genitals? Nobody talks like that in me,” said the locker room of the Kansas City Chiefs. “I mean, you get stuff like ‘That reporter is sexy. I’d like to kiss her if she gives explicit consent that it’s okay.’ But no one jokes about sexual assault in this room. These guys respect women.”

The locker room for the Cleveland Cavaliers gave similar testimony. “Of course the players talk about women sometimes. But honestly, most of the talk is about strategy — basketball strategy, mind you, not strategy to defeat ISIS. I don’t know where the hell he was going with that.”

Fitness club locker rooms came out on the defensive as well. One, from a 24-Hour Fitness in Colorado Springs, was appalled by Trump’s generalization. “Skiing and marijuana. That’s all the dudes talk about here, not grabbing pussy. Ugh, I hate saying that word, I need to go turn on my shower.”

“So these guys are superstar athletes,” continued the Trailblazers’ locker room. “That doesn’t mean they’re monsters who would think it’s acceptable to sexually assault women just because they’re powerful. What kind of sicko thinks that’s okay?”

Not all locker rooms were up in arms, however. One room from a major New York City high rise, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “I don’t understand what the big deal is. The guy whose name is on the front of this place says shit way worse than that all the time. You should hear what he says about his daughter, that’ll make your faucet run cold.”

satireJake Novak1 Comment