Actor Adds Friends to Mailing List, Instantly Ostracized



This article originally appeared on Hence.LA.

An actor instantly lost all her friends this week after she spammed them with news of her upcoming play via her professional email list.

“I knew my friends were interested in my career, and figured an email blast would be a great way to keep them in the loop,” said Suzanne Rogers, 24, of Sherman Oaks. “I’m doing a 99-seat play next month, and I was sure they’d want to know.”

Not one of Rogers’ friends were happy to get her e-blast, including Rick Elder, 28, who met Rogers in a commercial audition class. “I thought Suzanne would know it’s taboo to add your friends to your professional email list. We’d had drinks a few times, and she seemed chill. But when I opened her email and saw the pictures and stylized template, I knew she was never getting another cosmo out of me. I hope her stupid play flops.”

“I hit the ‘unsubscribe’ button as fast as I could,” said Renee Holden, 27, who was Rogers’ roommate for two years. “When it asked me why I was unsubscribing, I wrote, ‘Because no one is interested enough in your career to merit you signing up for MailChimp and also I NEVER FUCKING SIGNED UP FOR IT.’ Then I deleted that twat’s phone number and unliked her precious Facebook fan page.”

“I realized emails could be easily deleted or lost in the shuffle,” said Rogers, unaware of her showbiz faux pas. “So I thought if I sent my friends a massive group text and Facebook group message at the same time, they’d see it for sure.”

“Suzy and I had been best friends since we were in third grade,” said Denise Young, 25. “After the email, I decided she wasn’t my son’s godmother anymore. But when she tried that shit with the Facebook and text chain combo, there was no turning back. So I went on GoDaddy and bought and filled the page with the story of the email list, so that casting directors will find it and know she’s a monster that should never work again. She’s done for.”

Resolute, Rogers resorted to more antiquated means: “You can’t hit ‘Do Not Disturb’ on a paper postcard in your windshield wipers!”

When asked to comment on receiving the messages and postcard, fifty-six-year-old Jeanine Rogers, Rogers’ mother, said, “That bitch is dead to me.”

satireJake NovakComment