Twizzie

bhofack2-twizzler.jpg

INT. OFFICE - DAY

TOM sits at his desk. He hits a button on his laptop, then stares into space. Next to him sits GARY, also at a laptop. He tries to work, but keeps watching Tom.

TOM
Do you think it’s lunch time yet?

GARY
It’s 10:30.

TOM
I know, but we’ve been here since, like, ten, so. Kinda getting the rumblies. 

He thinks about it for a moment.

TOM (CONT’D)
Yeah, lunch time.

He reaches into his backpack and pulls out an already open bag of Twizzlers. Gary is baffled.

TOM (CONT’D)
(mouth full)
Twizzie?

GARY
No, thanks.

Tom eats another Twizzler and spins in his chair.

GARY (CONT’D)
Hey, can you show me how to get on the alpha test module? I’m trying to learn where to find everything.

TOM
Oh, no, I don’t know where that is.

He just chomps on more licorice, unfazed.

GARY
So you have a desktop shortcut?

TOM
No, I’ve never used that before.

GARY
Isn’t it your job to use it?

TOM
I don’t really know what my job is.

GARY
You’ve worked here for a year.

TOM
Shit, have I really? Man, that’s depressing.

Gary, annoyed, turns back to his computer.

TOM (CONT’D)
So what do I do?

GARY
You’re a systems analyst.

TOM
Oh. Cool.
(beat)
Wait, how do you know that?

Gary goes red and looks away.

TOM (CONT’D)
Didn’t you just start working here, like, today? How do you know what my job title is?

GARY
I, uh... I’m a systems analyst, too. That’s why they put me next to you.

TOM
Oh. Yeah, that makes sense.

They both stare at nothing for a beat.

TOM
So what should we do?

GARY
Shouldn’t you be telling me?

TOM
I mean, probably, but I only found out what my job was, like, right now when you told me, so technically you’ve been doing this job longer than I have.

GARY
I’ve worked here 32 minutes.

TOM
And I’ve been here a year. Man, that’s crazy.

He stuffs another Twizzler in his mouth. Gary is aghast.

TOM (CONT’D)
Wait, how did you know I’ve worked here for a year?

Again, Gary goes red and turns away.

GARY
I-- I talked to your supervisor this morning.

TOM
Oh. Cool.
(beat)
Who’s my supervisor?

Gary stands in a fit of rage.

GARY
Fuck, Tom, I am! I’m your supervisor! Me! 

TOM
Wait, what?

GARY
I’m Gary. I email you every day. My office is right there!

TOM
Huh.

Gary gets right up in Tom’s face.

GARY
I’m supposed to “engage” with my employees, so I thought I’d do an “Undercover Boss” prank to find out what you do all day. And you don’t do shit! You don’t even know what your job is!

TOM
I’m a systems analyst.

GARY
No, you’re a moron. And I’ll tell you something: you fit right in in this company. Everyone’s a fucking moron, all the way to the top. President, CEO, and Tom, they’re all the same. So you know what, keep it up. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing, and you’ll be my boss by next week.

Gary breathes heavily. Tom slowly turns to his laptop and hits a button.

TOM
Got it.

GARY
Got what?

TOM
The video of you saying all that.

GARY
... sorry what?

TOM
Every day I video record myself in case I come up with any good ideas and forget to write them down.

Gary can’t resist.

GARY
How’s that been going for you?

TOM
I don’t know, I’ve never actually watched any of it.

Gary gets on his knees.

GARY
Tom. You’re not a moron. Hell, you’re smarter than I am. Just delete the video. Please. I’ll do anything. You want a raise? Promotion? Anything.

A beat as Tom considers.

TOM
Can I get some lunch?

GARY
Lunch?

TOM
Yeah, I opened these yesterday and they’re kinda stale.

GARY
So you’ll delete that video for a single pack of Twizzlers.

TOM
The kind with the resealable pouch.

GARY
Press delete and it’s yours.

Tom lingers a moment, then deletes the video. Gary beams and makes for the door.

GARY (CONT’D)
I’m gonna go grab you some lunch.

He exits. Tom twirls a Twizzler in his hand.

TOM
Who’s the moron now?

He hits himself in the face with the licorice, which falls to the floor.

TOM (CONT’D)
Ow.

He picks up the Twizzler, shrugs, and eats it.

END